In conjunction and association with absolutely no one, Tefl Spin is proud to announce the introduction of the Average Son-of-a-Bitch Scholarship Fund. The ASOBSF is open to prospective students of any age who are considering post-secondary education. However, there are certain attributes and considerations which will give candidates an advantage in deciding whether or not they are awarded the scholarship.
Below are the criteria which will eliminate certain applications. There are two main categories that detail aspects that may diminish an applicant's chances of success. Essentially, an average son-of-a-bitch should neither be desperate nor exceptional in order to qualify.
Desperate
An applicant who is lacking the funds to put him or herself through school will be disqualified. This state of affairs could be due to the individual coming from a family that never had a pot to piss in, parents who were alcoholics, drug users etc., etc. Or it may simply have arisen from poor choices on the part of the soon-to-be student.
This will especially apply to mature students heading back to school for re-training. If you are in this situation and, at the age of 30, 35, 40 or older, are still living from cheque to cheque and suffer from a sense of entitlement and a bizarre inability to live within your means, you will promptly be eliminated from the running.
If you or your family has ever had the misfortune of experiencing a house fire around the Christmas holidays and then been featured in the local newspaper, your application has just been incinerated.
Similarly, if you have ever, through your own fault or a combination of events conspiring against you, been drawn into a destructive lifestyle and then overcome the odds and set yourself straight, your submission will be rendered invalid. This applies regardless of whether you lived out this experience in relative anonymity or, as in the example above, had your melodrama depicted in the press as a triumph over tragedy.
This is in keeping with the profile of the average son-of-a-bitch who has simply never strayed from the straight and narrow and subsequently never been praised for overcoming a moronic lifestyle.
The average-son-of-a-bitch has always pondered the litany of such stories that are routinely written about in the local rags and wondered how these sad clowns come to the attention of the newspapers. Do they phone in and proudly announce that their decision to make something of themselves warrants coverage? Maybe there is a database categorized into different tragedies or addictions, with the cause of the hour rammed full of suitable subjects.
In short, anyone who has suffered a debilitating malady, lapped up handouts from the day they were old enough to recognize the market for helplessness, is confused about their orientation (directionally or otherwise) is part of any deviant sexual niche that will inevitably be celebrated within the coming years, will not be considered for the Average Son-of-a-Bitch Scholarship Fund.
Tefl Spin in no way considers any of those who don't qualify as less deserving. They simply don't fall within the boundaries of this particular scholarship and, in fact, have numerous other opportunities to help them on their way.
Exceptional
Just as any of the aspects listed in the Desperate section will eliminate you from contention, the same applies in the Exceptional category.
Extreme accomplishments of any form will result in your name being removed from the list of candidates. This covers both academic and extracurricular activities. If you have ever been officially recognized as the best in anything in your city, state, province or country, you will not be awarded this scholarship. Also, if while growing up your family engaged in fund raising activities to pay for jaunts half-way round the world to climb mountains or slay dangerous animals, you will not be considered.
If your free time was never eaten up by a part-time job and was instead devoted to various charities and causes, this will remove you from further consideration. In a world where a well-rounded resume is necessary for entrance to the elite world of high paying jobs and breath-taking accomplishments, Tefl Spin would never suggest that such endeavors are anything but completely altruistic. But once again, it doesn’t rank you as an average son-of-a-bitch.
As an average son-of-a-bitch, you have always kept your head down, taken care of business and never entertained the possibility of turning to others for help. When the merest hint of financial difficulties appears far off on the horizon, you regulate your behaviour and take all steps necessary to avoid problems. Regardless, you've always saved a good portion of your income in anticipation of the inevitable screw-ups that arise in life.
At the same time, you've always marveled at the worthless pukes who go about life as if they're owed something, confident that others will clean up their mess. You, of course, have never accepted a cent of direct social assistance, never taken out a loan and never hit up friends for money. In fact, you no doubt have enough savings to pay for any studies you are considering and probably wouldn't even contemplate getting your snout up to the trough.
However, if you fit the profile detailed above, we urge you to make the effort. The Average Son-of-a-Bitch Scholarship Fund will relieve some of the financial pressure while giving us the opportunity to pay tribute to the great silent majority of the unrecognized average sons-of-bitches of the world!
