Monday, November 28, 2016

The Donald Trump Comedy Bonanza

Trump Evil Clown
Who would have thought that the evil clown phenomenon that took off in 2016 was really a premonition of who would be the next president of the United States? As the reality sets in that Donald Trump will soon be the most invincibly ignorant, ill-suited, temperamentally unfit person to ever hold such power in modern times, we have to look for positives.

As we stand on the edge of the abyss, as the entire world becomes The Twilight Zone before our very eyes, there are reasons to remain hopeful. Among the lies, the shamelessness, the hate, the inevitable invasions, the strife, the trampled human rights, the decades of progress burnt to the ground, the corruption that will make third-world dictators envious, there will almost certainly be moments of comedy gold. There has to be. That's the only way we'll get through the coming nightmare.

And so I present The Donald Trump Comedy Bonanza. And don't worry Trump supporters, I've done my best to ensure that your saviour is not the only one who receives a well-deserved roasting. Those nasty lefties and the horror that would have been a Hillary Clinton presidency take their share of hits too.

***

What does the "J" stand for in "Donald J. Trump"?

It doesn't stand for anything. It prostrates itself in the hopes of finagling a cushy appointment that requires little work and even fewer scruples.

***

"Hey Donald, which movie do you prefer, Apocalypse Now or From Russia with Love?"

"Neither, I don't like documentaries."

***

Donald Trump is speaking to Mike Pence in the oval office.

"Mike, we think alike. I proposed that we build a wall and make Mexico pay for it. You proposed that women who get abortions be forced to pay for funerals for the aborted fetuses."

"That's a good point m'lord. After we're finished, there'll be a lot of people paying dearly for our great ideas."

***

Donald Trump is speaking to the head of the National Security Agency.

"I gave Putin our nuclear codes. I was giving him a back rub when he told me that I have long, beautiful fingers."

"Why the hell did you do that? You may have endangered America!"

"Because he was tired after bending me over the presidential desk."

***

Donald Trump is the great uniter. Israelis and anti-semites are both excited about his rise to power. Israelis have been given the go-ahead to expand and frolic in the desert, and anti-semites have the green light to go clubbing.

***

A con artist and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry sir, but even though this is the White House lounge, we don't serve liars and cheats."

"Don't worry, her speech-writing days are over."

***

What do you get when you cross The Manchurian Candidate with The Stepford Wives?

A first lady who is cold, emotionless and does as she is told...from across the ocean.

***

How do you make Trump feel emotion?

Walk up behind him when he's using Twitter and shake his chair.

***

In his ongoing attempts to find places for his family members in his administration, Donald Trump announces at a press conference that Melania will be joining the Federal Department of Geology.

Reporters shout out questions.

"Is it because of her experience digging for gold?

"No, that's got nothing to do with it," Trump responded.

"Is it because she has spent time handling precious gems?"

"Absolutely not," Trump insisted.

"Then what," said a young cub reporter "is the reason?"

"She will help improve relations with Russia. I've indicated that Melania can be mined by the Russians for any information they deem worthy," Trump said proudly.

"Will be Putin be involved in those operations?"

"I've told him that he can perform some of the drilling personally if he in turn praises me in public. But for the most part, Russian scientist Dr. Leon Gedyorogsov will be in charge."

***

"Mr. Pence, do you still believe in conversion therapy?"

"No, I've seen the light and recognize that sexual orientation is genetic."

"How about funding for HIV prevention and AIDS treatment? In the past, you were against that."

"I now feel that we should do everything in our power to help those suffering from AIDS."

"Mr. Pence,  in light of these comments and after you were seen on your knees in front of Donald Trump the other day, is it safe to say you've come full circle on homosexuality?"

***

"Mr. Trump, your daughter Ivanka converted to Judaism, yet one of your top advisers, Steve Bannon, is accused of being an anti-semite. How do you reconcile those two facts?"

"The fact that Ivanka and her children are Jewish provides cover when I'm accused of anti-semitism while Bannon's views more truly reflect my own."

"That's a rather cynical way of looking at the situation, isn't it?"

"No, not at all. I think people should come to understand that I'm not as bad as the liberal press has led them to believe."

"Well, maybe you're right! I'll see you next week for our next interview."

"OK, great. Here, have a commemorative lamp shade."

***

After Donald Trump had been president for two years, Maria traveled from New York to Kentucky to see her parents. It was her first visit since the momentous election of 2016. She was diametrically opposed to her parents in matters of politics. She voted Democrat and her parents voted Republican. She was eager to see if they remained committed to Trump.

As she drove up the driveway of their house, she noticed the neglect and decay. The bones of a dead dog lay in the long grass of the front yard. She looked at the garage--the door was off its track and part of the roof had fallen in. Her mother's usually well-tended vegetable garden was overgrown with weeds.

As she opened the door to the house she had grown up in, she was hit with a nauseating smell. She put one hand over her nose and mouth and walked into the kitchen. Both her parents were sitting on the floor. They were unkempt and mumbling. Their faces appeared to be covered in excrement. Two plates of shit were in front of them on the floor.

"What's going on? Have you been eating shit?" she asked her parents.

Her father looked up at her with glazed eyes. "What are you talking about? This is pure, unrefined sugar!"

Sweet Jesus! Somehow they had convinced themselves that shit is sugar!

Shit-eating Trump supporter
The sound of her father's voice seemed to animate her mother. "We will never go hungry again! The Great Donald has blessed us! Our assholes will supply us with sustenance and commerce for all eternity!" her mother said.

Commerce? Sweet God almighty, thought Maria. They're not actually trying to sell their own shit are they?

She ran outside to clear her mind and escape the stench. She walked over to the neighbor's house. The Korfmans had lived next door for as long as Maria could remember. Mr. Korfman was outside watering the grass. "Well, Maria! How are you?" he said. His face dropped. "I see you've talked to your parents. Come on in."

Once they were inside Mr. Korfman's house, Maria began to sob. "I can't believe it! It seems like they're not all there! What's happened to them?"

"Nobody knows. We don't know what to do about it," Korfman said. He tried to console Maria. He brought her some coffee and cake.

She wiped her eyes and ate some of the cake. "Is it really true?" she asked, and then washed back the cake with a sip of coffee. "Are they really trying to sell their own shit?"

Something changed in Korfman's eyes. "The problem is they're not producing as much sugar as the rest of us," he said in a strange voice. "Their most recent output was last week...just enough to sweeten your cake and coffee!"

***

Donald Trump lumbers into the oval office and finds his daughter Ivanka and his son Eric on their knees cutting up pieces of carpet from the floor.

"What the hell's going on?" Trump bellowed.

"We're cutting up pieces of the oval office carpet. We're going to flog them online. We can make a small fortune out of this!" Eric said gleefully.

"I won't allow this in my White House!" Trump thundered.

"But why not?" asked Ivanka. "You said that when you were elected president you would look out for our best interests above all else! You said that this was the greatest opportunity to expand our family's wealth! You said that we would plunder the useful idiots who handed you the reins of power and we would milk the brainless suckers for all they were worth! You said they would believe anything you said! You said that if you told them shit was sugar, they would believe it!"

"Exactly!" Trump said. "Which is why I won't allow such a lame attempt to sell off the oval office carpet. The pieces are much too big. Here, let me show you. You cut them into much smaller pieces like this..."

***

What's with Donald and Melania's constant slit-eyed squinting?

They're both always straining to see something admirable in the other.

***

The first black family in the White House is to be followed by a con artist and an illegal immigrant. Proof that anyone can occupy the house formerly burnt to the ground by Canadians.

Hey, give Canadians a break! Not only are they dealing with Americans fleeing north of the border to escape the newly-elected wacko and his band of right-wing freaks, but, just like everyone else, they're bound to suffer at the hands of Trump in the coming years.

***

Well, here we are at the end of this post, and what do you know? All the jokes had a slight anti-Trump slant to them despite the fact that I said otherwise in the opening paragraph. Well, what can you do? It's a sign of things to come. For the people who voted for Trump, the joke ultimately will be on you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Donald Trump: Anatomy of an Unhinged Lunatic's Rise to Power

mushroom cloud
With word that the USA had just elected as president a sociopath with zero minutes of experience governing at any level, China spontaneously ejaculated. Now that Americans have handed the reins of power to an unhinged, easily manipulated, 70 year-old megalomaniacal buffoon, China can see their plans for hegemonic ascendance brought forward by at least a few decades.

When you have the most powerful country economically and militarily, but you also possess a relatively dismal public school system, and a populace whose belief in fundamentalist religion rivals any third world country, the US experiment in democracy was bound to end up where it has.

Or, as Winston Churchill once said, "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

A shameless racist with zero knowledge of the world or how government works is now in control of one of the world's largest nuclear stockpiles. He's the same freak who comes unhinged at mild criticism, seeks vengeance against anyone who dares to defy him, brags about sexually assaulting women and has a soft spot for dictators and despots.

That's not to say that Donald J. Trump is completely absent any intelligence whatsoever. He perfectly played 62 million-plus morons in the self-described greatest nation on earth, spinning fantasies about policies that even he isn't stupid enough to try and implement. Even if he really were as stupid as his claims and promises suggest, the US constitution and system of governance simply wouldn't allow many of his inane proposals to get off the ground.

No, his intelligence is of the base, manipulative, reptilian sort, which legitimizes the worst instincts in angry, bitter people. He convinces his followers that they can wreak vengeance by proxy as he describes everything in simplistic, black and white terms, lines up weak, marginalized targets, and assigns blame to others for a litany of problems that plague individuals and society.

Donnie, 'Little Fingers' Trump has tapped into the fascist, authoritarian streak that runs through the heart of the good ol' US of A. Anyone with a brain who doesn't gain their knowledge of the world solely through mainstream media knows that it makes good sense to distrust, if not fear, American power and influence. In many ways, Trump is a more logical representation of what the US has always stood for, but without the sheen of respectability and Hollywood horseshit.

But Trump was right about some of the things he said during the campaign. His claims that mainstream media was giving short shrift to the power of his 'movement' appear to have been completely accurate. The suggestion that some people were reluctant to share their true intentions with pollsters, or that pundits and pollsters simply didn't know what they were talking about, also seems to have merit.

Speaking of some of those media outlets: they have some explaining to do, and perhaps even share some of the blame for Trump's victory. Take for example left-wing media like Huffington Post, Politico and the New York Times. During the last stretch of the campaign, some of those organizations pegged Hillary Clinton's chances at winning at 98% or higher (though those predictions quickly disappeared from their sites when the results started rolling in on election night). It's not much of a stretch to suggest that those kinds of numbers helped to lull some voters into a false sense that Clinton would finally, in the end, cruise to victory.

No discussion of Trump's victory would be complete without comparisons to good old Shicklgruber. Most people are familiar with the fact that Donald Trump's grandfather changed his surname from Drumpf to Trump when he arrived as an immigrant in the US in 1885. Just a few years later, the father of Adolf Hitler changed his surname from Shicklgruber to Hitler a few months before little Adolf was born in 1889. While the change to Trump was done for purposes of assimilating, the change to Hitler was because of a local law in Germany at the time which required a person who purchased land to have their father's surname (before the name change, Alois Hitler used his mother's surname, Shicklgruber). Even in German, the surname Shicklgruber sounds somewhat absurd. Would one of history's most brutal, murderous psychopaths have ever risen to power with such a name?

Aside from that little factoid, there are other similarities. Trump will never have the same raging, hypnotic, oratory skills of Hitler, but he does seem to possess some strange pull over an audience when he is speaking. Both were ridiculed as buffoons before they took power, and both had/have explosive tempers that tried/try to mask fragile, extremely narcissistic personalities. But perhaps more than anything, the societies in which they took power were both collectively angry and looking for vengeance for perceived injustice and thus ripe for someone with such a personality to take control. I've made this comparison numerous times between Germany post World War One and the USA post-9/11.

When Trump takes the oath of office and takes up residence in the White House in January, 2017 with his decades younger, eastern European, former illegal immigrant wife and their little Slavic-faced son, it will be a surreal sight indeed. The most shockingly ill-prepared, temperamentally unfit, invincibly ignorant person imaginable will occupy the most powerful position in the world. If there's anything that can provide hope to Americans with brains and the rest of the world it is this: Trump will also be the oldest first-term president in history.

At 70 years old, heavily overweight, and possessing the tendency to lose control in the face of minor annoyances, there's a very real possibility that Trump will never live to see the end of his first term. I'm calling it: Donald J. Trump will die while serving as president of the USA before 2020. In the meantime, for yanks who have stuck the fork in the light socket to see what happens, it's time to start living with the consequences.