As we stand on the edge of the abyss, as the entire world becomes The Twilight Zone before our very eyes, there are reasons to remain hopeful. Among the lies, the shamelessness, the hate, the inevitable invasions, the strife, the trampled human rights, the decades of progress burnt to the ground, the corruption that will make third-world dictators envious, there will almost certainly be moments of comedy gold. There has to be. That's the only way we'll get through the coming nightmare.
And so I present The Donald Trump Comedy Bonanza. And don't worry Trump supporters, I've done my best to ensure that your saviour is not the only one who receives a well-deserved roasting. Those nasty lefties and the horror that would have been a Hillary Clinton presidency take their share of hits too.
What does the "J" stand for in "Donald J. Trump"?
It doesn't stand for anything. It prostrates itself in the hopes of finagling a cushy appointment that requires little work and even fewer scruples.
"Hey Donald, which movie do you prefer, Apocalypse Now or From Russia with Love?"
"Neither, I don't like documentaries."
Donald Trump is speaking to Mike Pence in the oval office.
"Mike, we think alike. I proposed that we build a wall and make Mexico pay for it. You proposed that women who get abortions be forced to pay for funerals for the aborted fetuses."
"That's a good point m'lord. After we're finished, there'll be a lot of people paying dearly for our great ideas."
Donald Trump is speaking to the head of the National Security Agency.
"I gave Putin our nuclear codes. I was giving him a back rub when he told me that I have long, beautiful fingers."
"Why the hell did you do that? You may have endangered America!"
"Because he was tired after bending me over the presidential desk."
Donald Trump is the great uniter. Israelis and anti-semites are both excited about his rise to power. Israelis have been given the go-ahead to expand and frolic in the desert, and anti-semites have the green light to go clubbing.
A con artist and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry sir, but even though this is the White House lounge, we don't serve liars and cheats."
"Don't worry, her speech-writing days are over."
A first lady who is cold, emotionless and does as she is told...from across the ocean.
How do you make Trump feel emotion?
Walk up behind him when he's using Twitter and shake his chair.
In his ongoing attempts to find places for his family members in his administration, Donald Trump announces at a press conference that Melania will be joining the Federal Department of Geology.
Reporters shout out questions.
"Is it because of her experience digging for gold?
"No, that's got nothing to do with it," Trump responded.
"Is it because she has spent time handling precious gems?"
"Absolutely not," Trump insisted.
"Then what," said a young cub reporter "is the reason?"
"She will help improve relations with Russia. I've indicated that Melania can be mined by the Russians for any information they deem worthy," Trump said proudly.
"Will be Putin be involved in those operations?"
"I've told him that he can perform some of the drilling personally if he in turn praises me in public. But for the most part, Russian scientist Dr. Leon Gedyorogsov will be in charge."
"Mr. Pence, do you still believe in conversion therapy?"
"No, I've seen the light and recognize that sexual orientation is genetic."
"How about funding for HIV prevention and AIDS treatment? In the past, you were against that."
"I now feel that we should do everything in our power to help those suffering from AIDS."
"Mr. Pence, in light of these comments and after you were seen on your knees in front of Donald Trump the other day, is it safe to say you've come full circle on homosexuality?"
"Mr. Trump, your daughter Ivanka converted to Judaism, yet one of your top advisers, Steve Bannon, is accused of being an anti-semite. How do you reconcile those two facts?"
"The fact that Ivanka and her children are Jewish provides cover when I'm accused of anti-semitism while Bannon's views more truly reflect my own."
"That's a rather cynical way of looking at the situation, isn't it?"
"No, not at all. I think people should come to understand that I'm not as bad as the liberal press has led them to believe."
"Well, maybe you're right! I'll see you next week for our next interview."
"OK, great. Here, have a commemorative lamp shade."
After Donald Trump had been president for two years, Maria traveled from New York to Kentucky to see her parents. It was her first visit since the momentous election of 2016. She was diametrically opposed to her parents in matters of politics. She voted Democrat and her parents voted Republican. She was eager to see if they remained committed to Trump.
As she drove up the driveway of their house, she noticed the neglect and decay. The bones of a dead dog lay in the long grass of the front yard. She looked at the garage--the door was off its track and part of the roof had fallen in. Her mother's usually well-tended vegetable garden was overgrown with weeds.
As she opened the door to the house she had grown up in, she was hit with a nauseating smell. She put one hand over her nose and mouth and walked into the kitchen. Both her parents were sitting on the floor. They were unkempt and mumbling. Their faces appeared to be covered in excrement. Two plates of shit were in front of them on the floor.
"What's going on? Have you been eating shit?" she asked her parents.
Her father looked up at her with glazed eyes. "What are you talking about? This is pure, unrefined sugar!"
Sweet Jesus! Somehow they had convinced themselves that shit is sugar!
Commerce? Sweet God almighty, thought Maria. They're not actually trying to sell their own shit are they?
She ran outside to clear her mind and escape the stench. She walked over to the neighbor's house. The Korfmans had lived next door for as long as Maria could remember. Mr. Korfman was outside watering the grass. "Well, Maria! How are you?" he said. His face dropped. "I see you've talked to your parents. Come on in."
Once they were inside Mr. Korfman's house, Maria began to sob. "I can't believe it! It seems like they're not all there! What's happened to them?"
"Nobody knows. We don't know what to do about it," Korfman said. He tried to console Maria. He brought her some coffee and cake.
She wiped her eyes and ate some of the cake. "Is it really true?" she asked, and then washed back the cake with a sip of coffee. "Are they really trying to sell their own shit?"
Something changed in Korfman's eyes. "The problem is they're not producing as much sugar as the rest of us," he said in a strange voice. "Their most recent output was last week...just enough to sweeten your cake and coffee!"
Donald Trump lumbers into the oval office and finds his daughter Ivanka and his son Eric on their knees cutting up pieces of carpet from the floor.
"What the hell's going on?" Trump bellowed.
"We're cutting up pieces of the oval office carpet. We're going to flog them online. We can make a small fortune out of this!" Eric said gleefully.
"I won't allow this in my White House!" Trump thundered.
"But why not?" asked Ivanka. "You said that when you were elected president you would look out for our best interests above all else! You said that this was the greatest opportunity to expand our family's wealth! You said that we would plunder the useful idiots who handed you the reins of power and we would milk the brainless suckers for all they were worth! You said they would believe anything you said! You said that if you told them shit was sugar, they would believe it!"
"Exactly!" Trump said. "Which is why I won't allow such a lame attempt to sell off the oval office carpet. The pieces are much too big. Here, let me show you. You cut them into much smaller pieces like this..."
What's with Donald and Melania's constant slit-eyed squinting?
They're both always straining to see something admirable in the other.
The first black family in the White House is to be followed by a con artist and an illegal immigrant. Proof that anyone can occupy the house formerly burnt to the ground by Canadians.
Hey, give Canadians a break! Not only are they dealing with Americans fleeing north of the border to escape the newly-elected wacko and his band of right-wing freaks, but, just like everyone else, they're bound to suffer at the hands of Trump in the coming years.
Well, here we are at the end of this post, and what do you know? All the jokes had a slight anti-Trump slant to them despite the fact that I said otherwise in the opening paragraph. Well, what can you do? It's a sign of things to come. For the people who voted for Trump, the joke ultimately will be on you.